Since moving too quickly from conversion to marriage without adequate preparations can mean trouble, check off this list first.
From saying the shahada to “I do”, brand-new Muslimahs often jump into a marriage contract before they know much about Islam, or who they are as Muslims. While this may work out for some, for others it can spell disaster down the road as the new convert establishes herself in her new faith.
Everyone’s situation is different. Some new Muslim women find great partners that strengthen them in their new faith and help them adjust to their new path. Others find that they have married too soon, and to someone who is not overtly religious. And still others find that their union is not at all that they had in mind.
As the new Muslimah considers marriage, she should arm herself with knowledge of Islam, knowledge of herself and what she wants for her future. Before she plans a honeymoon filled with bliss, or picks out the perfect wedding dress, the new Muslimah should consider the following:
1. Marriage contract
This is something that many women who marry soon after converting are unaware of. In an Islamic marriage, the wife-to-be has the right to add as many stipulations in a contract. The husband-to-be must agree to these conditions and follow them, or the marriage is considered invalid.
The Islamic marriage contract is a kind of prenuptial agreement that protects the woman’s interests. If any of what follows in this article strikes you as important to add to your marriage contract, by all means do so.
2. Citizenship
Many sisters have been down this tragic path. The story goes: woman converts to Islam, falls in love with or receives a proposal of marriage from a man whose sole intention is to obtain citizenship in her country. As soon as his citizenship status is established, he leaves – sometimes even taking children and whatever wealth or property she has.
It is an unpleasant thought, but you must be aware that it happens – and frequently. When you are presented with a marriage prospect with someone who is not a citizen and wishes to move to and stay in your home country, be wary. Your best line of defence if you are considering marrying a man without even a visa would be to stipulate that he must obtain a visa through an employer and not you.
If he loves you he will do anything possible to be with you. He will pay for you to come to his country and he will show you to the whole family.
3. Where to live
The other side of the citizenship coin is that many new Muslimahs marry men who refuse to live in their new bride’s native land. If your prospective suitor wants you to live with him in his country, you need to understand what that entails. Will you be able to adjust? What comforts will you be leaving behind?
It will help to research the country in question. You may consider visiting expat lifestyle websites, on which people from your native country or region discuss their experiences of moving to and living in their new country.
4. Future ambitions
Understanding what your partner expects for the future is vital. Will he want you to be a housewife but you plan to go back to school and get a master’s degree? Does he want you to go to med school and put off having children when all you ever dreamed of was being a stay-at-home mom?
Will your husband be your biggest cheerleader, or will he be an obstacle? These are questions you should consider. The answers might help you avoid a lot of tough decisions and heartbreak down the road.
5. Spousal expectations
While you are on the topic of what you want for the future (number 4), gauge your suitor’s expectations on household matters, romance and any other issues that are important to you. Will either one of you be primarily in charge of domestic matters, or will you both prefer to negotiate duties? If and when you have children or pets, will the division of labour at home remain the same or change?
What do you expect from each other on the romantic front? Will you have regular movie and dinner dates? Do you expect gifts on special occasions? Are you able to talk about intimacy with each other and communicate your desires and preferences?
6. Level of faith
Many Muslims do their best to please Allah in all of their actions; yet some are perhaps Muslim only in name. As a new convert the distinction may not seem clear, but it is a big one.
As you come to learn about your new faith, you may become disenchanted with your husband’s lack of adherence to Islam. While you will have the opportunity to encourage your partner to become better, any decision to change will ultimately rest with him.
Ask your prospective husband if he prays five times a day every day, if he fasts during Ramadan and then some, if he gives in charity and his tithe, if he has made or intends on making hajj (with you hopefully!). And ask him if he is willing to teach you and to learn with you (no one knows it all).
7. Culture clash
Learn about the cultural expectations of the family you are about to enter. More likely than not, if you marry someone from outside of your culture, you may be pressured to assimilate. Some brides are okay with this; others aren’t willing to assume what they see as a second identity.
Every family is different. Talk to your husband to-be about what is expected within his cultural tradition. And ask if he or his family will expect you to follow these practices.
8. Polygamy
While Muslim men are able to marry up to four women, this does not mean that you have to be a part of a polygamous relationship if you are not comfortable with it. Ask your prospective husband if he is already married or intends to marry more women down the road.
If he is married or intends to marry again, and you are not okay with that, move on. If you are cool with being one of two, three or four wives, then that is up to you. However, if you live in a country where polygamy is illegal, do not agree to break the law. Polygamy is an option, not a requirement. We must follow the laws of the land in which we live.
Just like saying the shahada, saying “I do” is a life-changing decision. Marriage to the right person can make life more meaningful, more exciting and much more fun. So be sure you pick the right person by being straightforward and making sure both of your expectations are in the open.
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